“Once a little boy was playing outdoors and found a fascinating caterpillar. He carefully picked it up and took it home to show his mother. He asked his mother if he could keep it, and she said he could if he would take good care of it. The little boy got a large jar from his mother and put plants to eat, and a stick to climb on, in the jar. Every day he watched the caterpillar and brought it new plants to eat. One day the caterpillar climbed up the stick and started acting strangely. The boy worriedly called his mother who came and understood that the caterpillar was creating a cocoon. The mother explained to the boy how the caterpillar was going to go through a metamorphosis and become a butterfly. The little boy was thrilled to hear about the changes his caterpillar would go through. He watched every day, waiting for the butterfly to emerge. One day it happened, a small hole appeared in the cocoon and the butterfly started to struggle to come out. At first the boy was excited, but soon he became concerned. The butterfly was struggling so hard to get out! It looked like it couldn’t break free! It looked desperate! It looked like it was making no progress! The boy was so concerned he decided to help. He ran to get scissors, and then walked back (because he had learned not to run with scissors…). He snipped the cocoon to make the hole bigger and the butterfly quickly emerged! As the butterfly came out the boy was surprised. It had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly expecting that, at any moment, the wings would dry out, enlarge and expand to support the swollen body. He knew that in time the body would shrink and the butterfly’s wings would expand. But neither happened! The butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly… As the boy tried to figure out what had gone wrong his mother took him to talk to a scientist from a local college. He learned that the butterfly was SUPPOSED to struggle. In fact, the butterfly’s struggle to push its way through the tiny opening of the cocoon pushes the fluid out of its body and into its wings. Without the struggle, the butterfly would never, ever fly. The boy’s good intentions hurt the butterfly. As you go through school, and life, keep in mind that struggling is an important part of any growth experience. In fact, it is the struggle that causes you to develop your ability to fly.” -Author Unknown I love this story. I find it inspirational as a parent. I also find it very difficult to remember as a divorced parent. My daughter is loved. She is loved by all of her families and has no idea her life is any different than some of her friends. That being said, I am aware. I am aware that she will not wake up every Christmas morning at my house. I am aware that I bite my tounge often in her presence with my ex and his fiance’ because it is in her best interest and I am aware that there will come a point in her life whether she is gay or straight when she gets married that she will be torn on who to ask her to walk down the aisle. I find that it is my own perceptions and awareness that decrease my efficacy at times during parenting. There are times when I should discipline more and I don’t because I’m trying to be sensitive to her reality, be it that she didn’t get enough sleep, that she is sick, or that she just buried a grandparent. But overall though there are times when rightfully I am aware and sensitive too often, I am paralyzed by my fear of hurting her. I will fuck my child up. You will too with your own. We all do. It’s a reality. But it is also a reality that we have the power and ability to love our children and raise them to know they are important and loved and are capable. There is a fine line for me between not fucking my child up by snipping open her cocoon for her and being there to know she isn’t alone. What I’m learning is honesty in all areas is key. Having friends and family with integrity close by for support and feedback and also being open to hearing it while having the confidence to also go with your gut. Though I am not religious, I am spiritual. The book “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz, in my opinion is essential for divorced parents and the fine line between supporting and raising your child and not projecting your own insecurities on them. Actually, these agreements are universally prudent. 1. Be impeccable with your word. 2. Don’t take anything personally. 3. Don’t make assumptions. 4. Always do your best. I am not a perfect person. I am not a perfect mother, partner, friend, sister, psychotherapist. I used to struggle with insomnia. Truly, the four statements above since becoming my guiding rules for life have allowed me to sleep, sleep deeply and easily. I know I make mistakes, but life is good. My daughter is good. When she’s not, she’s 5. It happens. I have a lot of friends who are divorced. Note, I did not say who are sadly divorced. Everything happens for a reason, if you don’t believe this, you haven’t discovered the reason. If you call bullshit, you aren’t living but simply existing because life is about meaning, creating it and living it. If divorce is the worst thing that happens to you, you are fortunate. The caterpillar doesn’t know today that tomorrow it will be a butterfly. We do know that what we do today is who we become tomorrow. How you parent or don’t parent today will either disable or destroy your child tomorrow or give them the ability to fly. I write this blog today feeling fortunate for my friends and family around me, attempting to put my own insecurities as a parent in a box on a shelf for me to be aware of, but not to let interfere with my parenting. I vow to be aware of my intentions, to stop, think and focus. I know Ava will have to struggle in life in order to fly. I don’t like it. It’s not going to be easy. But really, who said life was? I can’t guarantee that I will stop wanting to cut Ava’s cocoon, I can guarantee that at the end of the day, whether she grows into a moth or a butterfly, I will support her change, will be there for her travels and will always love her and want to protect her. Damn, this didn’t end as poetically as I hoped. Be well, laugh often. T